Thank You and Good Bye

Thank you all for letting me put my feelings out here the past couple of months. Getting to tell all of you about my heartbreak and my struggle helped more then you will ever know. But it's time to move forward. I am ready to take the next steps of my happiness. And in doing so I can no longer dwell in what was my past. I took my time to mourn the loss and now I am moving forward better then ever. I realize now how I sugarcoated what I had, and maybe wasn't realistic enough about what was really what. I know now what is waiting for me and it's amazing. I know it. I see it. I have never settled in my life and this is not the time to settle now. SO I say goodbye. I am going to start a new blog about life and fashion and fun. And I'm going to work on the Scarlett Back to Tara blog. Thank you again for your friendship, your ear, your support but mostly for your love. You were indeed the Band-Aids on My Heart and I will be forever grateful.

Time Heals All wounds, But Friends are like Neosporin

HAHA But it is so true!!! I haven't written here in a while. The reason hasn't been that I took some eat, pray, love time off. Nope, Just the Internet was down and trying to post on a dial up speed was impossible. In the few weeks since I last posted I have made remarkable improvement. I have started running at night to deal with the stresses of my daily life. I channel whatever my frustrations are into that. I also started reading The Secret. Every time I have a negative or sad thought, or some reminder of my past comes to my face, I chase it away with positive thoughts. I have been working on my dream board. I have pictures of the life I want to have, the husband, the two or three children, the house, the job, the car, the pets, the vacations, the words of encouragement. Everything is on my board, and I see it. I focus on it ever day. I am spending time with myself and with friends. That old would is closed now and with the continued love of friends and family I am slowly erasing the scar left behind. I had a wonderful time with friends in Miami. It was so good to just get away and be me again for while. I am remembering that I am resilient, I bounce back, and nothing keeps me down. I can't give power to things that happen to me. I have to choose how I react to them. I am in a much better place then just a few weeks back. Time really does heal all wounds, but I truly believe that my friends and family and of course GOD have been the neosporin to heal me up FASTER.

Sometimes my heart can't find the words

I have been in Florida this week at my old house. I came here to escape the dreaded anniversary that was to never be. I hoped it would remind me of what I once had, many happy memories before he ever came into my life. I thought times with good friends would warm my soul as the Florida sun warms my face. And all of these things did happen. But from the first moment I walked in the door I was faced with many memories of him. I was surprised we had spent few times actually here together in the 5 years I have owned my home. But they were some of the happiest times I have ever had. It was all around. I walked in the backyard to survey the damage of the chinch bugs, and my first thoughts were of our day playing bocce ball in the back yard. One day I swam in my uncles pool and when I went to put the floats up on the shelf in the garage, I saw the box from the webcams I had bought us to skype each other. I hooked up the rockband for my friend's children and remembered the night he and I just sat and played the games. My heart misses him so much. My head knows he has wronged me, broken my trust, and abandoned me in my hour of greatest need. My head knows I dodged a bullet and that I am better off alone then in a life with less then I deserve. But oh please tell that to my heart. My heart which is capable of the biggest love you can imagine has a wealth of forgiveness. And so it dictates my dreams. Dreams of him and life together and in my dreams sometimes my head talks to my heart and reminds it that he has left us. And my heart just breaks again. I wake up and want the last 9 months to be a dream. To go back to when I had a job and lived in Florida and he was in Atlanta and our life was bliss. I want to feel that again, to be loved and to know that if I died that day I would be the happiest person on earth. It's not going to happen. Even in my dreams I know that the life I knew I was over. I mourn for it grieving for the loss of the him, the life, the dreams and even the me I once was. The me that was loved. The me that felt cared for. The me that had found My IT. That's what I told him when I first met him. You are My IT. Everything I have been looking for and everything I never thought I would find. I remember the last morning of St. John a year ago tomorrow actually. I was so sad to be leaving our paradise. I remember trying to put in words what I was feeling for him and what he was already meaning to me. I played him the Rascal Flatts song "God Bless the Broken Road". We cried. It was a hard day to leave him in that airport. A year ago today we were enjoying our last day in St. John. And that night I got dressed up for our dinner. I wanted to straighten my curly hair from the humidity for one night to feel gorgeous and look beautiful for him. I remember the look on his face when he came into the bathroom and saw me. I have never been looked at like that before. I would give everything I own to be in that night again and feel him look at me that way. As if I was perfect and gorgeous and he was completely in love. I miss him. Have I said that yes I am sure I have. My life will go on without him. But I am not sure it will ever be that happy again. I have only had two great loves in my life. Cody and Marcel. I still have dreams of Cody. I loved him for a very long time. I love him now. But in a very different way. I am truly happy he is happy. I am glad he is married and has daughters and is living a happy life. I love him but I am not in love with him. I would do anything I could to help him and I truly believe if I needed him he would be there as a friend. I love Marcel too. But with a love that is greater then I ever knew. I loved him more then the 16 year old girl who loved Cody. I love him with every power of my being. Every fiber of body loves him. Yes we all know he doesn't deserved this love from me but he has it. I gave it. And I am afraid once I gave him my heart I will never get it back again. I love him enough to do the hardest thing I have ever done and that is to give him up. To let him go. For him to find his love and live his life as if I never was in it. But I know I will never be able to close my heart and to forget him. I wish I could. I know I can't. Words can't tell you all how I feel. It's very different from my breakups of past. He was My It. And he made a choice that didn't involve me or consult my opinion. He stopped loving me, if he ever even did. He is happy. I am not. It's so hard to smile the fake smile and keep the cheery outside for the world to see. I don't want people to know how much pain and sorrow is bubbling just at the top ready to overflow. I want to be strong enough to walk away, to be proud of enough to say your loss buddy. But instead I am here without pride, or courage. I just am me. A girl in love with a dream that won't come true. Grieving a life I have always wanted and thought I had found. Missing a best friend and a partner who was once my world. Stepping forward each day in time with only FAITH that one day I will be in a better world, where pain and heartbreak and sorrow are no more. And stepping forward with LOVE of friends and family, But sadly not the Love my heart desires. And praying that one day I will step forward with HOPE and believe again. IF ( notice the very big IF there)that day ever comes I pray for the courage to love again, to trust my heart, to give my love for another and risk all of this. My love life since the age of 16 has been a never ending heartbreak. One loss followed by another. How do you not become jaded to the possibility of love. Ever time I risked my heart again only to have another so carelessly break it. How many times does one keep trying before they give up defeated.

Somewhere in My Broken Heart

I have had a rough few days. Sunday. It looms like a Godzilla in a movie from Japan. Larger then life. The Anniversary. That. Will. Never. Be.

I spent this week trying to find a job, fighting back tears, and trying to understand how someone that supposedly cared so much about me could just continue to hurt me again and again. He spent this week in France. With Friends. And maybe my replacement. The one he had to make sure his facebook page was Available and accomodating for. I never realized how replacable I truly was in his life.

That might be the hardest thing I have to accept. That someone didn't care about you, doesn't love you, never did. That when your world is upside down, and you struggle to just get through the day they are jet setting throughout Europe and you never once crossed their mind. Not once.

Forgetable where is the Nat King Cole song that sings about that. I heard this old 90's country song on the radio today. It made me smile and it made me sad. It reminded me I love old country music from the late 80's and early 90's. And also that there is indeed a country song out there that will sum up your life.

I wish I could forget him, the way he has forgotten me. I pray every night to not remember. I want to forget. I want to climb in a Time Machine and go back and never go to St. John. I wish I had never met him. Ever. And I just wish something would happen and he would stay in France forever and my life would never ever have to cross his again. I wouldn't have to be afraid of seeing him out in our hometown, and I wouldn't have to turn down jobs in Atlanta because I am afraid the city is indeed not big enough for the two of us.

I was talking to a friend tonight who asked me what she could say right now to make me feel better. I told her nothing. It would make me feel better to think he cared, it would make me feel better to know that he hurt too. It would make me feel like I mattered if he just once thought about me on Sunday and our life together. But in the last three weeks I have learned he doesn't care, will not be hurting and frankly Sunday will probably pass and he will never even know what the day was. And I guess that pretty much sums up life.

I am good at the outside picture. I smile, I am pleasant. I laugh. I live life. It is a shell. Inside I still want to die. I want to lay down and never wake up or a for a big mack truck to come along and put me out of my misery. I used the analogy tonight of a person who has to put down a dog. I feel like the dog waiting for something to put me down, out of emotional and physical pain. I want you to know I do not feel this way because he stopped loving me. That hurts. I can't lie. But life goes on. I could live with that. The night he broke up with me I knew two things, it was over and that he cared about me so much. I truly thought he would always be in my life. I felt like he cared so much, hurt that he was hurting me, and would always be someone I could count on. But the fact that he replaced me so soon, and has shown me time and again that he cut me out of his life and erased me like I never mattered tells me so much more. And that makes you feel like a horrible person. Someone who wasn't worth a thing. Someone to forget to replace to erase.

In visions of the dark night I have dreamed of joy departed- But a waking dream of life and lightHath left me broken-hearted.

The dreams. They have started. I knew somehow they would come and yet I hoped and prayed they would not. The first time I had the dreams I was much younger then I am now. As my first relationship ended they began. He had been my high school love and we stayed together for 6 1/2 years. From 16-22. He was my best friend. He met another girl. Eventually after back and forth between me, and between her that lasted years, he married her, and had two daughters. The dreams started that first month after a break up. I would dream of him, of us fixing this broken thing. I dreamed and I dreamed and I dreamed. For Years. I named them The Cody Dreams. I would have them throughout the years. It was if I was trying to fix what went wrong so many years ago in my dreams. They usually came out when I when I was at a crossroads with a current relationship. They haunted me. I would awake and I would always remember the dream. They say we dream many in a night and can't remember them all. I always remembered. Never had the luxury of forgetting. That love was based on innocence, a puppy love so many years ago. But it was the closest thing I ever had to love until Marcel. I knew the dreams would come. The Marcel Dreams. I think my sleepless nights for the last three weeks have been trying to hold them off. They started last week. We were in his condo in Atlanta talking and in a moment I wanted to hold him, to rush into his arms and kiss him. IN the dream I stopped, I remembered that we were no more and I pulled back. A stabbing feeling in my heart.There have been others. 5 others to be exact. And they haunt me. After my set back last night I was too afraid to sleep. I stayed up until 5 am, playing on the Internet, and reading a book. At 5am I closed my heavy eyes and prayed that there would not be time to slip into a deep dream state. I slept for one hour. I woke up in a sweat. My dreams are like ghosts haunting me. I physically am so tired and just want to lie down for a bit. But I am afraid of what lurks behind that darkness. I do not know how to stop loving, how to stop caring, even when the person no longer deserves your love. I have always Loved my neighbor as myself. I don't know how to make the heart and the head forget.

I see your true colors shining through

SO I got back from a wonderful weekend away with my friend and her family. It was just what my soul needed. I don't want to write about it now. I will do that later. I am so pissed off. I pulled up facebook tonight and discovered the ex that I have been mourning in my life detagged himself in every single facebook picture of the two of us alone. Oh he kept all the group photo shots but anything that was remotely he and I alone is gone. As if we never dated. As if I never existed. The clincher. The Jennifer he dated before me, that I never knew about, there was a picture with his arm around her tagged on facebook even 8 months into our dating. 8 months. We broke up three weeks, 2 nights ago, and he has already made sure that every trace of that union was wiped out. I guess he really did meet another girl and need to make sure his page said AVAILABLE. Talk about feeling replaceable. The sad thing is that the guy I knew him to be, would never ever have done this. And that makes me wonder.. Is the guy I used to know, the one his friends know that see him as such a great guy, The kind of guy that does the right thing to a fault, is that the real Marcel? Or is the real Marcel Bakx the person he turned out to be. I realized tonight I am mourning the loss of a man in my life that may never have existed. I guess his TRUE COLOURS really shined through. Marcel Leighton Bakx.. Good Riddance. I wish I never met you, I wish I never loved you, and I want nothing more then you to be a nobody in my life.

Learning to Dance in the Rain

I haven't written much this week. That's not to say I didn't feel things. Boy did I feel them! In general they were the same things I have been feeling and there was nothing original to share. On Tuesday after having to harass him to talk to me he finally did. He did man up and say that he had been mean, that he was scared and was avoiding me because he didn't know what I wanted to say to him. To me that is the behavior of someone who knows they were wrong. Avoidance doesn't solve anything. We talked for a while, I got to say something that I needed to. I'm not sure there was any closure but at least I stood up for myself. He did admit that he handled all of this very poorly. Yes he did. That might be the first thing we agree on. I still don't want to talk to him, or see him ever again. I just don't see this changing. He claims that he went home and for two nights was very emotional about how much he had hurt me. But the thing is I needed that emotion that night. I needed him to be more caring when he told me, I needed us to hug and cry and pay tribute to the 11 months we shared. I did not need him to devalue who I am as a person. I never deserved any of that. I do think I am getting better. I think I finally realize that he never really loved me. He was rebounding on a relationship that I knew nothing about when I first met him. I didn't learn about her until much later on. She shared my name. She became someone that would cause me great distress. Because he had hid her, because he had actually been in a relationship with her on facebook (something he never did with me) and because when pushed he admitted he had been hurt when she ended things. Just a few months later we met in a very romantic setting in St. John. How could we ever have a normal relationship built on those kind of expectations. I know in the beginning I was very clear. I was open about all my hurts, what I was looking for, marriage children, everything. He pretended to be on that same page. I think in the first six months he was still caught up in the fun, the lust, the spark, the butterflies. Along the way life would test our relationship in ways neither one of us asked for. Some of them were because of choices that I made. Regardless of the hard times, if you really love someone you stay with them. You don't leave when the going gets tough. It's like that Marylin Monroe quote "But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." What if we had been married, what if it had been worse and I had cancer or got in a serious accident. I guess knowing now is better then knowing then. I do give him credit. He did some great things when we were dating, he wasn't all terrible and I do believe that he truly cared. But caring is not the same as loving. I know the difference and I wish he had known it too. He said he loved me every night, he even invented a little finger wave that was just for us, to say I love you, without having to say it. I thought finally a man who can really love me. I am having to come to terms with the fact that he is not the man I thought he was, and not the man I fell in love with. I appreciate that he cared about me, but don't continue in a relationship at our ages if you aren't doing anything more then playing around. That being said he is using the fact that I was older and ready for a family against me. I certainly did share with him my desire to be a mother and wife from the first week we met. I shared with him my heartbreak when friends struggled with infertility. I was scared. I am 36. I might not get to have a child of my own, and what's worse I don't even know if I can. I don't mind adopting. Trying and not being able to conceive and then adopting is OK. But I may never get the choice to see if I could even have a baby. And that breaks my heart. But I never. Ever. Ever. Put pressure on him to rush and have a baby with me. I don't have a job, I don't have a place of my own, I don't even have a car. I am certainly not at a point right now where I could be a wife or a mother. I did see that future with him. Like two or three years down the road. I have been reaching out to friends and sharing the love that they are sharing with me. I love facebook for those amazing connections to friends of old, who haven't seen you in almost 20 years and yet they reach out to say you are strong, you can do this. I am thinking of you. They may never know how much each one of them has meant to me in this time. A sweet card from an Aunt, a phone call from a friend, a text, a facebook message, an email.. they all say the same thing. And gave me love when I felt no love in my heart. Men and women alike have stretched out their arms to help lift me up and carry me over the bumpy path. And if they can show me that kind of love the least I can do is learn to dance in the rain that is pouring down on me. The storm can't last forever and after 9 months of downpours surely I am just a bit closer to the rainbow on the other side.

Your whole heart can fit in a shoebox

I didn't know that but it's true. Today I threw away a shoebox full of memories. Dried roses from valentine's day, notes he left in the house for me, ticket stubs, reminders, and even a birthday card. That card said that he loved me and was thankful I was such an amazing part of his life and that he looked forward to many months to come. I guess the sum total of those months was 4, because not quite 4 months later he was indeed done. I ripped that card into small tiny pieces just like my heart. I packed it all up in the Steve madden shoebox and threw it into the garbage. Much like he threw me. I emailed him last night. I still have stuff at his place to get and I need to tell him something. He hasn't emailed me back. I am thinking I need a change of pace. I am at rock bottom. My self esteem has taken so many beatings this year. When you lose your job you lose your identity. You can no longer provide for yourself. When you move home to parent's your house you feel like a Loser. I had a gorgeous house in Florida, with a great job and nice things. I now live in the room I grew up in. I am so lucky to have my parents who have done so much for me be willing to take me in. A lot of people would not have that support system. With every day it has eaten away at the person I am. My confidence is now at rock bottom. I keep saying I am a special child of god as if it's a mantra to live by. I feel like I am a loser. Someone cue the Beck music. I never thought growing up that is where I would be. I have never wanted anything more then to have a home, a husband and some children. I don't care what I do for work as long as I could provide for them. I have never had a career dream that could ever hold a candle to the one of a life shared with a partner and children. Those of you that have that, even on the most difficult days, are the luckiest people in the world. I struggle to fight my envy every day.

Freedom always comes with a price

Happy July 4th, Independence Weekend. I was thinking about the high price of freedom as we celebrate our Nation's independence. In reflection on that price I thought of other kinds of freedom and what prices we pay for that as well. Sadly many people are getting divorced every day in the world. I know that even when they have made that choice it still come with a lot of pain and hurt. In my case the freedom wasn't wanted or by choice and yet I am single without him in my life and it hurts. Today is particularly hard. Our plans for this day were to watch the Peachtree Road Race, enjoy a pool party with friends, and watch fireworks from his balcony. I have been keeping myself busy every night since this week. I have only had one night I was alone at the house. I overscheduled kept busy and tried not to think. But today I have a lot of time on my hands and I keep thinking about what our day would have been like. I still miss him so very much. As much pain and hurt that he has caused and I still miss him. Everyone is telling me that he has to have found someone else. That men just don't walk away from a realtionship to be single. I wonder when it could have happened and who this girl is living the life I once had with him. Is she going to the pool party today in my place, and will she be sitting on the balcony kissing him and watching fireworks today? The hardest part about all of this is that I haven't heard word one from him. He really just walked away from me as I never even mattered in his life. I can't tell you how much that hurts. It's like someone saying to you that you don't matter and you have no value. I cried today for the first time in a few days. I wish there was a magic pill I could take and I could stop loving him too. I just don't know how someone does that. How can you be so in love one day and then another just simply say I'm done and drive away. I am sure breakups are always hard and I guess there is no easy way to handle them. I just keep thinking how could this man who is supposed to be so into other people, doing the right thing, being a good guy handle ours this way. He held me hand while walking to ice cream only to dump me on a park bench minutes later. When I said but you were just holding my hand his answer was I like holding your hand. And if I ever really mattered to him I don't think he could have just walked away as if it was nothing. Tonight it will be 9 days since that horrible night. I am going throught the motions but inside I am still dying. Today I wish I have never met him, because my freedom is coming with a brutal price.

When there isn't a song in your heart sing anyway

I haven't written since tuesday and it's saturday. I just didn't feel like putting down the same ole same ole. I have had a good plan to keep myself busy. Wednesday my friend came and picked me up and we just hung out with her daughter. I spent the night with her on wed. Thursday my other girlfriends rallied to get me out for a fun girls night. I ended up crashing with one of them that night too. And friday another friend had called and took me out for an evening that was much what my soul needed. The only blip in the whole few nights was thursday when "his" best girl friend showed up in the bar. She lives in NY and what are the odds that I would have to see her. She is a very nice girl and in other circumstance I would have been so happy to see her. She however did not say hello to me. She waved to my friend so I know she saw me. Then of course the brain starts thinking either she came to town to go hang out with him or she already knows he has moved on to someone else. It's been a week since I have even heard from him Yes that's right ladies and gentleman the man I thought I would spend eternity with dropped me like a bad habit. He just up and moved on. And hasn't looked back. SO I will keep going through the motions. As if my world didn't turn upside down. So I don't have a song in my heart but I am singing anyway.

all cried out over you

Well let's be honest even I don't believe that one. I am however on a very long streak of not crying. Many many many hours without a tear. Yeah Me!!! In full open and honest disclosure the real reason is there are just no more tears in there left to come out. I have been sad a lot today as is to be expected, but I just couldn't form a tear. This happened to me one time before in my life. I was in 6th grade and we were burying my grandfather. I cried all that day of his funeral, cried in the foyer of my church, following the casket in to church, and throughout the funeral. At the grave side service there wasn't a drop to fall down my cheek. Not even one single tear. My grandfather had been dying of cancer and many tears had been shed prior to that one day. I just think sometimes the body says enough is enough. I am trying to keep myself occupied. I just keep rereading all the wonderful comments, emails, messages and texts from so many friends. I am soaking up the love. And I started writing to him. Wait. Don't. Freak. Out. It's not a letter, or an email or anything to send. It's just a journal where I am writing to him the things that come each day that I wish I could say to him. I didn't start it until yesterday. In the days before that it was so hard not to be able to share with him so many things that occurred in my life. The kinds of things I wanted to talk to him about. I figured it was better to just write them down, as if I was writing him a letter. I don't think it will last long. I am hoping after a week or so I won't have anything left to say. Sometimes it's just a inside joke thing and others it's some news that may have happened. Like today I got one step closer to this fashion oriented thing I have been working on since last fall. I had about given up and got an email out of the blue. He knew how important this was to me. Keeping my fingers crossed for good news on Friday! And I got a few job leads this week that might pan out to something. The Irony is one of them is in his city. Luckily it's big enough that we would never have to see each other. Another thing that helped was packing away anything that reminded me of him. I mean anything. The comfy he gave me for Christmas, the laptop lap desk for my birthday, etc. There is not a trace of him in the little space that is my room. Here is the silliest thing of all. I can't wear any clothes or wear any shoes that I wore with him. I am sure eventually this will change but for now certain items of clothing remind me of wearing them with him, going to a festival with him, him, him, him. And that has to go, go, go! So I'm wearing some old school clothes. I had some more soup today and even ate some rice and chicken for dinner. The one thing that is saving me is that awful Liquid Alive. It's keeping me full of vitamins and the overdose of Vitamin B is having a calming effect. I must thank my health guru friend for that one! I think tomorrow I am going to tackle some time outside. A walk, a book in the sun, just something with lots of vitamin D. Keep the love coming. Like the Beatles sang "all you need is love, love, love is all you need". I may have lost one love but I have found I am loved by so many more. It's a different love but it's still great food for the soul.

good friends, a cowboy and a whole lotta love

One of my best friends brought me to her house to night for dinner,spend the night and just to get out. I was so scared to come since my last overnight trip here has been with him in my other life. But I'm so glad I did. I enjoyed a glass of wine and a little real food... chicken, pork, broccoli, and rice. I haven't shed a tear since before 6pm. I might have a good cry before I go to bed. Being in the room where I once stayed with him might bring back a few memories. But I am turning a corner and shutting the memories out. I need to move forward and I need to say goodbye. I am pretty sure it's going to be a long goodbye. But that's OK. It's a process and I am on the road to recovery. I may hit a few speed bumps and pot holes along the way but I'm on the road and I am going the distance. One of my friends sent me some great words of wisdom today. He made me want to kick my own butt spending so much time being down. Onward and Upward. Ironically I have spent the evening with my friend in bed once again. We laughed and said we didn't want to shock my system too much in the beginning. SO I traded a bed in one room for a bed in another. But this one came with the love of a friend, her hubby and her precious son, my groundpiggy and my cowboy. And when he came to crawl in bed with both of us he said I love both of y'all, and kissed us both good night. Might only be 4 but that is what I needed. In the eyes of my little cowboy I am still a really cool friend to have and he wants to show me all of his toys, video games, and wii action. That makes a girl feel special. This is just what I needed. I miss my sweet kitty who has been at my vigil beside me. But I was reminded tonight that life will go on. That boys come and go but some friends are really forever. That God really does consider me a pearl and that the best is yet to come. I love all of my amazing friends for reaching out with comforting words and just love love love, BIG LOVE, The only kind there is. I know I might still have some setbacks, a few tears along the way. But I am gonna make it through this. "The best way out is always through" Robert Frost. Yes Indeed. My mother said to me this afternoon " You are so loved by so many people, you have an amazing support system. And that is a testament to you. You are lucky and blessed, not many people have that." Mother always know best. I am so blessed. Keep that love and prayer coming through. I am ready to tackle this heartbreak and kick it's booty! I need to feel that sunshine again, and I will one ray at a time. Every ounce of love I have to give, from the bottom of my heart, is for all of my friends and family. I am so grateful that you love me. In the end to be loved by so many is really all that matters. I know there are already quite a few Band-Aids on my heart right now helping to put it back together.

You gotta play the hand your dealt

"...., Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?"
- Patty Loveless


I guess I needed a sharp does of reality or a swift kick in the butt. Either way count on my daddy who loves me dearly but doesn't always soften his delivery to set me straight. In a day we I wanted to mope around and think of nothing but how I could get my love back, these words brought it to a crashing halt. " XYZ is gone. He's not coming back. You have to move on in a future without him. Life has given you a lot to handle, more then you deserve this year'..."

This lecture went on and brought a ton of tears but I guess it's the same. I have to say goodbye. I need help doing it. I hope you all will help me.

It's my party and I will cry if I want to

Today.Is.Tough. I woke up this morning and I just don't want to feel the pain and hurt anymore. SO I have slipped into this new place called Emptiness. It is non color, non descript and void of anything. It is nothing. There are no feelings here, I am numb. I just don't want to feel. I want to disappear. In a conversation with a friend she brought up the concept of erasing your memories. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. I never saw the movie but am familiar with the plot. The basic concept. A painful breakup causes you to erase the memories of that person. In this moment, knowing that he has gone and will not return I want desperately to erase his memory. Then I wouldn't remember the most amazing time in my life. And that is indeed the rub. The trick is I would feel better instantly. It wouldn't take away the other life struggles I am going through but it would heal my broken heart. The price would be to forget the best relationship and most wonderful time of life. I want more then anything to take away the pain but I'm not willing to forget him. I realize he forgot me. He has gone back to his life, as if I never even was in it. I can't do that. He has left a lasting imprint in my heart. I just want to stay in this place of nothing. In my room where the TV runs 24 hours and where I can shut myself away from everything. The brain is such a tricky organ. I can't escape the reminders of him. A male friend calls and says something that sounds like him and my heart aches, another friend is discussing his physical recovery and mentions a leg extension machine and I think of working out with him, the trip to whole foods reminds me of a recent date with him where we got a sampler of imported beers and cookies for after our dinner, I look at myself in the mirror and see the bare neck that used to contain his gift of a heart necklace.. these little brain tricks are out there everywhere. My friend is going to come and take me to spend the night with her tonight. My last time there it was with him, other friends want me to come out Thursday night to a place I had also been with him, even getting dressed makes me not want to wear clothes and shoes and things I wore with him. Little Reminders everywhere of what I had and what I have lost. Lost. What a strange word to describe it. It is a loss, I am feeling so much loss and yet it's not like I lost something. I didn't misplace him in the couch sofa. I certainly didn't accidentally leave him behind in a hotel. In a way I guess he Lost me. He left me behind in a life he no longer wanted. I feel like one of those Misfit toys in the Christmas movie, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I have been discarded to the land of irregular and broken toys that are no longer wanted. If you haven't seen the movie ( and I can't imagine how this is even possible) it is the island of things that you don't need, don't want,and don't work. Or maybe it's like I am sitting in a Lost and Found box waiting for him to remember where he left me. Well that's the feeling but the reality is it's more like he forgot me in a hotel room. And later realized he didn't need me or will just replace me when he has that need again. This feels lousy. I just wish I new how he outgrew me. What things about me made him change his love. I keep replaying everything in these last 11 months and there were things I did wrong. I am human I make mistakes. I did some things I regret and wish that I could change them. I know I am not perfect ( thank you dear friend who told me today that nobody was) but I feel like I did something that made him change, drove him away some how. Sorry this seems like such a downfall for the strength I was feeling yesterday. I am just having a pity party for me today. I feel so helpless. I don't want to lose him. So I am back in the bed today. I got up this morning and got dressed and ate a bit. But I just can't deal with this overwhelming since of loss today. SO I am seeking refuge in my bed in the room I grew up in that has given me shelter since I was 4.

Just a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down

So despite how much I love my very good friend who told me to get the Liquid Alive and how much better it would make me, that stuff is awful. But seeing as how I am going on one Diet Dr Pepper, 1/2 of a G2 and half of a Rafferty's cheese soup I can't really complain about the nutrients that are keeping me healthy and alive. I would swallow the nastiest thing in the world if it could just make me feel better. Of course I would settle for a magic wand to take all the pain away and maybe a time machine to take me back to when he used to love me. I am feeling the continued love from so many friends and family. I just know that is helping me so much to stand strong. I was thinking about love, that unconditional love, the choice of meeting another persons every need. I know that we had that. I struggle with how we lost it. Or how he lost it. Where did we go wrong? Did my poor choices play into the burden? He helped me find my Happy, and I was loved and I was gushing and I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. He allowed me to be myself and loved me even more for all the dorky and quirky things about me. I just want that back again. I know it's not going to happen. He made his choice and I had little say in the matter. I couldn't convince him to stay. To fight for us. I don't know how you fight for someone that doesn't want you anymore. I know the healthy thing is to close the door and accept that his mind was made up to move on. I know that he isn't coming back. And that just might be a more bitter pill to swallow then the nasty Liquid Alive.

Success is small but it's sweet

The prayers are working. I have the most peroids of non crying this afternoon. I actually even ate half the potato soup my mom brought me from Raffertys. I am going to run to whole foods and get some liquid vitamin B that my friend suggested would make me feel better. I will do anything to feel better. I am still really sad and I still really miss him. But at the end of the day I love him. Love him more then the sun and the moon and the stars. I would be devastated if he has really met someone else. But in loving someone you have to let them go and even though it would hurt like hell I would want him to be happy. All I ever wanted was the best for him. I think these are all good signs. Maybe my self preservation is kicking in and saying get your behind out of bed and brush those teeth! But I will take every step forward as a sign of healthy recovey. I also read an article that said all this crying is very healthy. Yeah me!

One step forward two steps back

I knew better then to do what I am about to confess. I was in the process of moving all of our photos and videos from the last year to a folder that I wouldn't have to see right now. Actually a folder hidden in another blank folder so it wouldn't even have one picture showing. I knew I just couldn't handle seeing all of those wonderful loving, smiling, fun, and kissing pictures in my current state of hurt. There was one video I was unsure of so I clicked on it. I regretted it instantly but like a car wreck I could not turn away. There was video of us taken within our first month full of the honeymoon love. We are happy, kissing, smiling and utterly in love. For the next 30 minutes I let out the most guttural screams and sobs and cries as I lay on the floor of my hallway. I was collapsed in a ball and just completely lost it. It was by far the worst I have felt in the entire three days. I wanted to give up right then and there. I think I screamed out a few times that I just can't do this. I am not this strong. I just want him to come back. So please just give him back and I will change whatever he doesn't love anymore about me. I will be perfect and I will be better but I just want to have one more day with him. Eventually I calmed down a bit and pulled myself up and just continued crying soft streams down my cheeks. I tried to entertain myself with TV but I was stir crazy. I called a friend but she didn't answer. I kept seeing those images of him looking so lovingly at me. I just wanted him to see me that way again. To remember why he fell in love with me and how much spark he had once had. We were both so Happy. My mother came home from church and I confided my relapse to her. The sobs started coming again and in the middle of all of that, one of my friends called me. She is a wise woman who always tells like it is. I listened to her and I did feel better. I came back to check my email and another friend had sent me this link. I am a not a huge Joel Olsteen fan. I am more of a Billy Graham girl myself. But I listened to this in Itunes and it really helped. It made me realize that God has sent all of you to me. To remind me that I am loved. You are all my Simon coming to Jesus to help him carry the cross. That I am going to come out of this and I will be stronger and even better. It's going to take time. I miss him more today then yesterday. I just can't believe that it's over and that he is no longer in my life. That he could just say goodbye and then go about his life as if I was never even it. So yes I am taking one step forward and then two steps back and then maybe one step forward again. But slowly I am putting one foot in front of the other and taking each day minute by minute. And in life that's all we can really do. One second, one minute, one hour and one day at a time.

Here is the link: #466

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/466-god-can-speak-to-us-even/id137254859?i=84245033

the soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears

I managed to sleep for a few hours but when I woke up I was hoping that my reality had been a nightmare. It wasn't. I wanted to go to church with my parents. I love to hear Cam's sermons. But I knew that I might start crying the minute I walked in the door. I could just feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. So I asked them to leave me here and alone for a bit. But really it was so I could just cry and cry those kind of sobbing moments that you just don't want another person to see or hear. I can see what a beautiful and gorgeous day is right outside. The sun is shining and a cardinal is looking for food. For a moment I thought maybe I will step outside and feel the warmth and then I remembered that we were supposed to go on the boat today in my other life. And I got sad all over again. But I want you to know my friends and family are who are getting me through this horrible time. The amazing prayers that many of you have prayed with me, the love pouring through on facebook, the texts, the calls and the recruitment of others to add me in their prayers has been wonderful. I know god is working through all of you to remind me that I am loved. I am a special child of god and I am strong enough to get through this. I can only imagine what going through this would be like without the love and support of some of the most amazing people I have had the pleasure to know. Thank you all so much for allowing me to lean on you. The title of this post came from a quote I saw today. It's a Native American saying. I have had so many tears flowing and and I like to think they are just paving the way for the Rainbow in my soul.

33 hours and I'm Still Breathing

On a park bench just 33 hours ago in the city that I love my life was changed forever. The life that I had been dreaming of and my fairy tale story of love came to an end. A finality that I had neither a say in nor a desire for and yet it still ended. The man that I love more then anything in this world simply did not love me. I met my Prince on a tropical island almost one year ago. He came out of nowhere and captured my heart. He was My It. Everything I had been looking for and everything I didn't know I could want. I fell fast and I fell hard. I remember being with him on that last day in the airport as he flew out to his city. Clinging to this man I had known for just one week but felt like a lifetime. I stood and cried in the airport as he flew away. My heart was aching. I had never known a love like that before. It was My Happy. In the 11 months that followed we would face many life changes and ups and downs. Through it all I grew more deeply in love with him each day. More then the sun. More then the moon. More then the stars. He was the first person I could truly be myself with and loving him made me a better person. I began to dream of the lifetime of memories we would create together. I knew he was the person I wanted to spend my life with. Somewhere along the way he lost his spark for me, and no longer loved me as I still love him. In my lifetime this of course is not my first rodeo. Starting with puppy love at 16 I have lost count of the heartbreaks as relationships ended. This ending is as different as the love that is lost. I still love him with every fiber of my being. In life truly loving someone means letting them go. I am mourning the life I had, and the one I had dreamed of. He will go on to find his true happy with another. That is such a double edged sword. I want nothing more then his happiness in life but am beyond hurt that it can't be me. I was reduced in that park to begging for him to give me just one more chance. A chance to fight for our love and work on that lost spark. He was still the man that gave me butterflies and whose laughter and smile were the light of my life.

The past 33 hours have been such a blur. I haven't slept, or eaten and have cried so much that it must be a world record. I can't escape thoughts of him in my mind, my heart and waiting in my dreams. I try to numb the feelings with TV shows that don't require thinking. They offer a distraction. I have reached out to friends and asked for prayers. I am struggling with each moment just to keep it together. I think breathe. OK Good. Now breathe again. Excellent. I have reached out to friends and family for prayer and love and support. Their love and compassion for me is mind blowing. It's hard to imagine so many people in this world could love you and care about what happens to you. From this dark hole I am in, it is like a beacon of light. I am crawling to it slowly one inch at a time. I know it will be their love and strength to pick me up and get me there. I am beyond blessed to have them in my life.

I am struggling with feeling Unlovable. You see I have spent 20 years dating and trying to find that one person that would love me. Period. Just love me, choose me, want to spend a life with me. I have yet to find it. I have never known what it felt like to be loved that way. I have given that love before but I have never received it. I thought I had found it this time. I am such a fool. Obviously in the hindsight that is 20/20 he did not have that love for me if he could just walk away. I would trade anything I have to find that special person to share a life with and start a family. Having been single a large part of my dating life I know just how lonely it can be.

I decided after 27 hours of no sleep to start this blog. A way for me to talk about my feelings and help myself heal. Band-Aids on my heart. I am sharing it with others. I know everyone has had their share of heartbreak. Others may be sharing this road with me. Maybe we can all help each other.

Right now I am in grief. I am letting the tears flow out of my aching heart. I lost my boyfriend and my best friend. But I can say one thing. I am still breathing. It might take a truckload of Band-Aids to put my heart back together, but it hasn't killed me yet. That's a small victory for today.