On a park bench just 33 hours ago in the city that I love my life was changed forever. The life that I had been dreaming of and my fairy tale story of love came to an end. A finality that I had neither a say in nor a desire for and yet it still ended. The man that I love more then anything in this world simply did not love me. I met my Prince on a tropical island almost one year ago. He came out of nowhere and captured my heart. He was My It. Everything I had been looking for and everything I didn't know I could want. I fell fast and I fell hard. I remember being with him on that last day in the airport as he flew out to his city. Clinging to this man I had known for just one week but felt like a lifetime. I stood and cried in the airport as he flew away. My heart was aching. I had never known a love like that before. It was My Happy. In the 11 months that followed we would face many life changes and ups and downs. Through it all I grew more deeply in love with him each day. More then the sun. More then the moon. More then the stars. He was the first person I could truly be myself with and loving him made me a better person. I began to dream of the lifetime of memories we would create together. I knew he was the person I wanted to spend my life with. Somewhere along the way he lost his spark for me, and no longer loved me as I still love him. In my lifetime this of course is not my first rodeo. Starting with puppy love at 16 I have lost count of the heartbreaks as relationships ended. This ending is as different as the love that is lost. I still love him with every fiber of my being. In life truly loving someone means letting them go. I am mourning the life I had, and the one I had dreamed of. He will go on to find his true happy with another. That is such a double edged sword. I want nothing more then his happiness in life but am beyond hurt that it can't be me. I was reduced in that park to begging for him to give me just one more chance. A chance to fight for our love and work on that lost spark. He was still the man that gave me butterflies and whose laughter and smile were the light of my life.
The past 33 hours have been such a blur. I haven't slept, or eaten and have cried so much that it must be a world record. I can't escape thoughts of him in my mind, my heart and waiting in my dreams. I try to numb the feelings with TV shows that don't require thinking. They offer a distraction. I have reached out to friends and asked for prayers. I am struggling with each moment just to keep it together. I think breathe. OK Good. Now breathe again. Excellent. I have reached out to friends and family for prayer and love and support. Their love and compassion for me is mind blowing. It's hard to imagine so many people in this world could love you and care about what happens to you. From this dark hole I am in, it is like a beacon of light. I am crawling to it slowly one inch at a time. I know it will be their love and strength to pick me up and get me there. I am beyond blessed to have them in my life.
I am struggling with feeling Unlovable. You see I have spent 20 years dating and trying to find that one person that would love me. Period. Just love me, choose me, want to spend a life with me. I have yet to find it. I have never known what it felt like to be loved that way. I have given that love before but I have never received it. I thought I had found it this time. I am such a fool. Obviously in the hindsight that is 20/20 he did not have that love for me if he could just walk away. I would trade anything I have to find that special person to share a life with and start a family. Having been single a large part of my dating life I know just how lonely it can be.
I decided after 27 hours of no sleep to start this blog. A way for me to talk about my feelings and help myself heal. Band-Aids on my heart. I am sharing it with others. I know everyone has had their share of heartbreak. Others may be sharing this road with me. Maybe we can all help each other.
Right now I am in grief. I am letting the tears flow out of my aching heart. I lost my boyfriend and my best friend. But I can say one thing. I am still breathing. It might take a truckload of Band-Aids to put my heart back together, but it hasn't killed me yet. That's a small victory for today.
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