It's my party and I will cry if I want to

Today.Is.Tough. I woke up this morning and I just don't want to feel the pain and hurt anymore. SO I have slipped into this new place called Emptiness. It is non color, non descript and void of anything. It is nothing. There are no feelings here, I am numb. I just don't want to feel. I want to disappear. In a conversation with a friend she brought up the concept of erasing your memories. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. I never saw the movie but am familiar with the plot. The basic concept. A painful breakup causes you to erase the memories of that person. In this moment, knowing that he has gone and will not return I want desperately to erase his memory. Then I wouldn't remember the most amazing time in my life. And that is indeed the rub. The trick is I would feel better instantly. It wouldn't take away the other life struggles I am going through but it would heal my broken heart. The price would be to forget the best relationship and most wonderful time of life. I want more then anything to take away the pain but I'm not willing to forget him. I realize he forgot me. He has gone back to his life, as if I never even was in it. I can't do that. He has left a lasting imprint in my heart. I just want to stay in this place of nothing. In my room where the TV runs 24 hours and where I can shut myself away from everything. The brain is such a tricky organ. I can't escape the reminders of him. A male friend calls and says something that sounds like him and my heart aches, another friend is discussing his physical recovery and mentions a leg extension machine and I think of working out with him, the trip to whole foods reminds me of a recent date with him where we got a sampler of imported beers and cookies for after our dinner, I look at myself in the mirror and see the bare neck that used to contain his gift of a heart necklace.. these little brain tricks are out there everywhere. My friend is going to come and take me to spend the night with her tonight. My last time there it was with him, other friends want me to come out Thursday night to a place I had also been with him, even getting dressed makes me not want to wear clothes and shoes and things I wore with him. Little Reminders everywhere of what I had and what I have lost. Lost. What a strange word to describe it. It is a loss, I am feeling so much loss and yet it's not like I lost something. I didn't misplace him in the couch sofa. I certainly didn't accidentally leave him behind in a hotel. In a way I guess he Lost me. He left me behind in a life he no longer wanted. I feel like one of those Misfit toys in the Christmas movie, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I have been discarded to the land of irregular and broken toys that are no longer wanted. If you haven't seen the movie ( and I can't imagine how this is even possible) it is the island of things that you don't need, don't want,and don't work. Or maybe it's like I am sitting in a Lost and Found box waiting for him to remember where he left me. Well that's the feeling but the reality is it's more like he forgot me in a hotel room. And later realized he didn't need me or will just replace me when he has that need again. This feels lousy. I just wish I new how he outgrew me. What things about me made him change his love. I keep replaying everything in these last 11 months and there were things I did wrong. I am human I make mistakes. I did some things I regret and wish that I could change them. I know I am not perfect ( thank you dear friend who told me today that nobody was) but I feel like I did something that made him change, drove him away some how. Sorry this seems like such a downfall for the strength I was feeling yesterday. I am just having a pity party for me today. I feel so helpless. I don't want to lose him. So I am back in the bed today. I got up this morning and got dressed and ate a bit. But I just can't deal with this overwhelming since of loss today. SO I am seeking refuge in my bed in the room I grew up in that has given me shelter since I was 4.