One step forward two steps back

I knew better then to do what I am about to confess. I was in the process of moving all of our photos and videos from the last year to a folder that I wouldn't have to see right now. Actually a folder hidden in another blank folder so it wouldn't even have one picture showing. I knew I just couldn't handle seeing all of those wonderful loving, smiling, fun, and kissing pictures in my current state of hurt. There was one video I was unsure of so I clicked on it. I regretted it instantly but like a car wreck I could not turn away. There was video of us taken within our first month full of the honeymoon love. We are happy, kissing, smiling and utterly in love. For the next 30 minutes I let out the most guttural screams and sobs and cries as I lay on the floor of my hallway. I was collapsed in a ball and just completely lost it. It was by far the worst I have felt in the entire three days. I wanted to give up right then and there. I think I screamed out a few times that I just can't do this. I am not this strong. I just want him to come back. So please just give him back and I will change whatever he doesn't love anymore about me. I will be perfect and I will be better but I just want to have one more day with him. Eventually I calmed down a bit and pulled myself up and just continued crying soft streams down my cheeks. I tried to entertain myself with TV but I was stir crazy. I called a friend but she didn't answer. I kept seeing those images of him looking so lovingly at me. I just wanted him to see me that way again. To remember why he fell in love with me and how much spark he had once had. We were both so Happy. My mother came home from church and I confided my relapse to her. The sobs started coming again and in the middle of all of that, one of my friends called me. She is a wise woman who always tells like it is. I listened to her and I did feel better. I came back to check my email and another friend had sent me this link. I am a not a huge Joel Olsteen fan. I am more of a Billy Graham girl myself. But I listened to this in Itunes and it really helped. It made me realize that God has sent all of you to me. To remind me that I am loved. You are all my Simon coming to Jesus to help him carry the cross. That I am going to come out of this and I will be stronger and even better. It's going to take time. I miss him more today then yesterday. I just can't believe that it's over and that he is no longer in my life. That he could just say goodbye and then go about his life as if I was never even it. So yes I am taking one step forward and then two steps back and then maybe one step forward again. But slowly I am putting one foot in front of the other and taking each day minute by minute. And in life that's all we can really do. One second, one minute, one hour and one day at a time.

Here is the link: #466

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/466-god-can-speak-to-us-even/id137254859?i=84245033