Sometimes my heart can't find the words

I have been in Florida this week at my old house. I came here to escape the dreaded anniversary that was to never be. I hoped it would remind me of what I once had, many happy memories before he ever came into my life. I thought times with good friends would warm my soul as the Florida sun warms my face. And all of these things did happen. But from the first moment I walked in the door I was faced with many memories of him. I was surprised we had spent few times actually here together in the 5 years I have owned my home. But they were some of the happiest times I have ever had. It was all around. I walked in the backyard to survey the damage of the chinch bugs, and my first thoughts were of our day playing bocce ball in the back yard. One day I swam in my uncles pool and when I went to put the floats up on the shelf in the garage, I saw the box from the webcams I had bought us to skype each other. I hooked up the rockband for my friend's children and remembered the night he and I just sat and played the games. My heart misses him so much. My head knows he has wronged me, broken my trust, and abandoned me in my hour of greatest need. My head knows I dodged a bullet and that I am better off alone then in a life with less then I deserve. But oh please tell that to my heart. My heart which is capable of the biggest love you can imagine has a wealth of forgiveness. And so it dictates my dreams. Dreams of him and life together and in my dreams sometimes my head talks to my heart and reminds it that he has left us. And my heart just breaks again. I wake up and want the last 9 months to be a dream. To go back to when I had a job and lived in Florida and he was in Atlanta and our life was bliss. I want to feel that again, to be loved and to know that if I died that day I would be the happiest person on earth. It's not going to happen. Even in my dreams I know that the life I knew I was over. I mourn for it grieving for the loss of the him, the life, the dreams and even the me I once was. The me that was loved. The me that felt cared for. The me that had found My IT. That's what I told him when I first met him. You are My IT. Everything I have been looking for and everything I never thought I would find. I remember the last morning of St. John a year ago tomorrow actually. I was so sad to be leaving our paradise. I remember trying to put in words what I was feeling for him and what he was already meaning to me. I played him the Rascal Flatts song "God Bless the Broken Road". We cried. It was a hard day to leave him in that airport. A year ago today we were enjoying our last day in St. John. And that night I got dressed up for our dinner. I wanted to straighten my curly hair from the humidity for one night to feel gorgeous and look beautiful for him. I remember the look on his face when he came into the bathroom and saw me. I have never been looked at like that before. I would give everything I own to be in that night again and feel him look at me that way. As if I was perfect and gorgeous and he was completely in love. I miss him. Have I said that yes I am sure I have. My life will go on without him. But I am not sure it will ever be that happy again. I have only had two great loves in my life. Cody and Marcel. I still have dreams of Cody. I loved him for a very long time. I love him now. But in a very different way. I am truly happy he is happy. I am glad he is married and has daughters and is living a happy life. I love him but I am not in love with him. I would do anything I could to help him and I truly believe if I needed him he would be there as a friend. I love Marcel too. But with a love that is greater then I ever knew. I loved him more then the 16 year old girl who loved Cody. I love him with every power of my being. Every fiber of body loves him. Yes we all know he doesn't deserved this love from me but he has it. I gave it. And I am afraid once I gave him my heart I will never get it back again. I love him enough to do the hardest thing I have ever done and that is to give him up. To let him go. For him to find his love and live his life as if I never was in it. But I know I will never be able to close my heart and to forget him. I wish I could. I know I can't. Words can't tell you all how I feel. It's very different from my breakups of past. He was My It. And he made a choice that didn't involve me or consult my opinion. He stopped loving me, if he ever even did. He is happy. I am not. It's so hard to smile the fake smile and keep the cheery outside for the world to see. I don't want people to know how much pain and sorrow is bubbling just at the top ready to overflow. I want to be strong enough to walk away, to be proud of enough to say your loss buddy. But instead I am here without pride, or courage. I just am me. A girl in love with a dream that won't come true. Grieving a life I have always wanted and thought I had found. Missing a best friend and a partner who was once my world. Stepping forward each day in time with only FAITH that one day I will be in a better world, where pain and heartbreak and sorrow are no more. And stepping forward with LOVE of friends and family, But sadly not the Love my heart desires. And praying that one day I will step forward with HOPE and believe again. IF ( notice the very big IF there)that day ever comes I pray for the courage to love again, to trust my heart, to give my love for another and risk all of this. My love life since the age of 16 has been a never ending heartbreak. One loss followed by another. How do you not become jaded to the possibility of love. Ever time I risked my heart again only to have another so carelessly break it. How many times does one keep trying before they give up defeated.

Somewhere in My Broken Heart

I have had a rough few days. Sunday. It looms like a Godzilla in a movie from Japan. Larger then life. The Anniversary. That. Will. Never. Be.

I spent this week trying to find a job, fighting back tears, and trying to understand how someone that supposedly cared so much about me could just continue to hurt me again and again. He spent this week in France. With Friends. And maybe my replacement. The one he had to make sure his facebook page was Available and accomodating for. I never realized how replacable I truly was in his life.

That might be the hardest thing I have to accept. That someone didn't care about you, doesn't love you, never did. That when your world is upside down, and you struggle to just get through the day they are jet setting throughout Europe and you never once crossed their mind. Not once.

Forgetable where is the Nat King Cole song that sings about that. I heard this old 90's country song on the radio today. It made me smile and it made me sad. It reminded me I love old country music from the late 80's and early 90's. And also that there is indeed a country song out there that will sum up your life.

I wish I could forget him, the way he has forgotten me. I pray every night to not remember. I want to forget. I want to climb in a Time Machine and go back and never go to St. John. I wish I had never met him. Ever. And I just wish something would happen and he would stay in France forever and my life would never ever have to cross his again. I wouldn't have to be afraid of seeing him out in our hometown, and I wouldn't have to turn down jobs in Atlanta because I am afraid the city is indeed not big enough for the two of us.

I was talking to a friend tonight who asked me what she could say right now to make me feel better. I told her nothing. It would make me feel better to think he cared, it would make me feel better to know that he hurt too. It would make me feel like I mattered if he just once thought about me on Sunday and our life together. But in the last three weeks I have learned he doesn't care, will not be hurting and frankly Sunday will probably pass and he will never even know what the day was. And I guess that pretty much sums up life.

I am good at the outside picture. I smile, I am pleasant. I laugh. I live life. It is a shell. Inside I still want to die. I want to lay down and never wake up or a for a big mack truck to come along and put me out of my misery. I used the analogy tonight of a person who has to put down a dog. I feel like the dog waiting for something to put me down, out of emotional and physical pain. I want you to know I do not feel this way because he stopped loving me. That hurts. I can't lie. But life goes on. I could live with that. The night he broke up with me I knew two things, it was over and that he cared about me so much. I truly thought he would always be in my life. I felt like he cared so much, hurt that he was hurting me, and would always be someone I could count on. But the fact that he replaced me so soon, and has shown me time and again that he cut me out of his life and erased me like I never mattered tells me so much more. And that makes you feel like a horrible person. Someone who wasn't worth a thing. Someone to forget to replace to erase.

In visions of the dark night I have dreamed of joy departed- But a waking dream of life and lightHath left me broken-hearted.

The dreams. They have started. I knew somehow they would come and yet I hoped and prayed they would not. The first time I had the dreams I was much younger then I am now. As my first relationship ended they began. He had been my high school love and we stayed together for 6 1/2 years. From 16-22. He was my best friend. He met another girl. Eventually after back and forth between me, and between her that lasted years, he married her, and had two daughters. The dreams started that first month after a break up. I would dream of him, of us fixing this broken thing. I dreamed and I dreamed and I dreamed. For Years. I named them The Cody Dreams. I would have them throughout the years. It was if I was trying to fix what went wrong so many years ago in my dreams. They usually came out when I when I was at a crossroads with a current relationship. They haunted me. I would awake and I would always remember the dream. They say we dream many in a night and can't remember them all. I always remembered. Never had the luxury of forgetting. That love was based on innocence, a puppy love so many years ago. But it was the closest thing I ever had to love until Marcel. I knew the dreams would come. The Marcel Dreams. I think my sleepless nights for the last three weeks have been trying to hold them off. They started last week. We were in his condo in Atlanta talking and in a moment I wanted to hold him, to rush into his arms and kiss him. IN the dream I stopped, I remembered that we were no more and I pulled back. A stabbing feeling in my heart.There have been others. 5 others to be exact. And they haunt me. After my set back last night I was too afraid to sleep. I stayed up until 5 am, playing on the Internet, and reading a book. At 5am I closed my heavy eyes and prayed that there would not be time to slip into a deep dream state. I slept for one hour. I woke up in a sweat. My dreams are like ghosts haunting me. I physically am so tired and just want to lie down for a bit. But I am afraid of what lurks behind that darkness. I do not know how to stop loving, how to stop caring, even when the person no longer deserves your love. I have always Loved my neighbor as myself. I don't know how to make the heart and the head forget.

I see your true colors shining through

SO I got back from a wonderful weekend away with my friend and her family. It was just what my soul needed. I don't want to write about it now. I will do that later. I am so pissed off. I pulled up facebook tonight and discovered the ex that I have been mourning in my life detagged himself in every single facebook picture of the two of us alone. Oh he kept all the group photo shots but anything that was remotely he and I alone is gone. As if we never dated. As if I never existed. The clincher. The Jennifer he dated before me, that I never knew about, there was a picture with his arm around her tagged on facebook even 8 months into our dating. 8 months. We broke up three weeks, 2 nights ago, and he has already made sure that every trace of that union was wiped out. I guess he really did meet another girl and need to make sure his page said AVAILABLE. Talk about feeling replaceable. The sad thing is that the guy I knew him to be, would never ever have done this. And that makes me wonder.. Is the guy I used to know, the one his friends know that see him as such a great guy, The kind of guy that does the right thing to a fault, is that the real Marcel? Or is the real Marcel Bakx the person he turned out to be. I realized tonight I am mourning the loss of a man in my life that may never have existed. I guess his TRUE COLOURS really shined through. Marcel Leighton Bakx.. Good Riddance. I wish I never met you, I wish I never loved you, and I want nothing more then you to be a nobody in my life.

Learning to Dance in the Rain

I haven't written much this week. That's not to say I didn't feel things. Boy did I feel them! In general they were the same things I have been feeling and there was nothing original to share. On Tuesday after having to harass him to talk to me he finally did. He did man up and say that he had been mean, that he was scared and was avoiding me because he didn't know what I wanted to say to him. To me that is the behavior of someone who knows they were wrong. Avoidance doesn't solve anything. We talked for a while, I got to say something that I needed to. I'm not sure there was any closure but at least I stood up for myself. He did admit that he handled all of this very poorly. Yes he did. That might be the first thing we agree on. I still don't want to talk to him, or see him ever again. I just don't see this changing. He claims that he went home and for two nights was very emotional about how much he had hurt me. But the thing is I needed that emotion that night. I needed him to be more caring when he told me, I needed us to hug and cry and pay tribute to the 11 months we shared. I did not need him to devalue who I am as a person. I never deserved any of that. I do think I am getting better. I think I finally realize that he never really loved me. He was rebounding on a relationship that I knew nothing about when I first met him. I didn't learn about her until much later on. She shared my name. She became someone that would cause me great distress. Because he had hid her, because he had actually been in a relationship with her on facebook (something he never did with me) and because when pushed he admitted he had been hurt when she ended things. Just a few months later we met in a very romantic setting in St. John. How could we ever have a normal relationship built on those kind of expectations. I know in the beginning I was very clear. I was open about all my hurts, what I was looking for, marriage children, everything. He pretended to be on that same page. I think in the first six months he was still caught up in the fun, the lust, the spark, the butterflies. Along the way life would test our relationship in ways neither one of us asked for. Some of them were because of choices that I made. Regardless of the hard times, if you really love someone you stay with them. You don't leave when the going gets tough. It's like that Marylin Monroe quote "But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." What if we had been married, what if it had been worse and I had cancer or got in a serious accident. I guess knowing now is better then knowing then. I do give him credit. He did some great things when we were dating, he wasn't all terrible and I do believe that he truly cared. But caring is not the same as loving. I know the difference and I wish he had known it too. He said he loved me every night, he even invented a little finger wave that was just for us, to say I love you, without having to say it. I thought finally a man who can really love me. I am having to come to terms with the fact that he is not the man I thought he was, and not the man I fell in love with. I appreciate that he cared about me, but don't continue in a relationship at our ages if you aren't doing anything more then playing around. That being said he is using the fact that I was older and ready for a family against me. I certainly did share with him my desire to be a mother and wife from the first week we met. I shared with him my heartbreak when friends struggled with infertility. I was scared. I am 36. I might not get to have a child of my own, and what's worse I don't even know if I can. I don't mind adopting. Trying and not being able to conceive and then adopting is OK. But I may never get the choice to see if I could even have a baby. And that breaks my heart. But I never. Ever. Ever. Put pressure on him to rush and have a baby with me. I don't have a job, I don't have a place of my own, I don't even have a car. I am certainly not at a point right now where I could be a wife or a mother. I did see that future with him. Like two or three years down the road. I have been reaching out to friends and sharing the love that they are sharing with me. I love facebook for those amazing connections to friends of old, who haven't seen you in almost 20 years and yet they reach out to say you are strong, you can do this. I am thinking of you. They may never know how much each one of them has meant to me in this time. A sweet card from an Aunt, a phone call from a friend, a text, a facebook message, an email.. they all say the same thing. And gave me love when I felt no love in my heart. Men and women alike have stretched out their arms to help lift me up and carry me over the bumpy path. And if they can show me that kind of love the least I can do is learn to dance in the rain that is pouring down on me. The storm can't last forever and after 9 months of downpours surely I am just a bit closer to the rainbow on the other side.

Your whole heart can fit in a shoebox

I didn't know that but it's true. Today I threw away a shoebox full of memories. Dried roses from valentine's day, notes he left in the house for me, ticket stubs, reminders, and even a birthday card. That card said that he loved me and was thankful I was such an amazing part of his life and that he looked forward to many months to come. I guess the sum total of those months was 4, because not quite 4 months later he was indeed done. I ripped that card into small tiny pieces just like my heart. I packed it all up in the Steve madden shoebox and threw it into the garbage. Much like he threw me. I emailed him last night. I still have stuff at his place to get and I need to tell him something. He hasn't emailed me back. I am thinking I need a change of pace. I am at rock bottom. My self esteem has taken so many beatings this year. When you lose your job you lose your identity. You can no longer provide for yourself. When you move home to parent's your house you feel like a Loser. I had a gorgeous house in Florida, with a great job and nice things. I now live in the room I grew up in. I am so lucky to have my parents who have done so much for me be willing to take me in. A lot of people would not have that support system. With every day it has eaten away at the person I am. My confidence is now at rock bottom. I keep saying I am a special child of god as if it's a mantra to live by. I feel like I am a loser. Someone cue the Beck music. I never thought growing up that is where I would be. I have never wanted anything more then to have a home, a husband and some children. I don't care what I do for work as long as I could provide for them. I have never had a career dream that could ever hold a candle to the one of a life shared with a partner and children. Those of you that have that, even on the most difficult days, are the luckiest people in the world. I struggle to fight my envy every day.

Freedom always comes with a price

Happy July 4th, Independence Weekend. I was thinking about the high price of freedom as we celebrate our Nation's independence. In reflection on that price I thought of other kinds of freedom and what prices we pay for that as well. Sadly many people are getting divorced every day in the world. I know that even when they have made that choice it still come with a lot of pain and hurt. In my case the freedom wasn't wanted or by choice and yet I am single without him in my life and it hurts. Today is particularly hard. Our plans for this day were to watch the Peachtree Road Race, enjoy a pool party with friends, and watch fireworks from his balcony. I have been keeping myself busy every night since this week. I have only had one night I was alone at the house. I overscheduled kept busy and tried not to think. But today I have a lot of time on my hands and I keep thinking about what our day would have been like. I still miss him so very much. As much pain and hurt that he has caused and I still miss him. Everyone is telling me that he has to have found someone else. That men just don't walk away from a realtionship to be single. I wonder when it could have happened and who this girl is living the life I once had with him. Is she going to the pool party today in my place, and will she be sitting on the balcony kissing him and watching fireworks today? The hardest part about all of this is that I haven't heard word one from him. He really just walked away from me as I never even mattered in his life. I can't tell you how much that hurts. It's like someone saying to you that you don't matter and you have no value. I cried today for the first time in a few days. I wish there was a magic pill I could take and I could stop loving him too. I just don't know how someone does that. How can you be so in love one day and then another just simply say I'm done and drive away. I am sure breakups are always hard and I guess there is no easy way to handle them. I just keep thinking how could this man who is supposed to be so into other people, doing the right thing, being a good guy handle ours this way. He held me hand while walking to ice cream only to dump me on a park bench minutes later. When I said but you were just holding my hand his answer was I like holding your hand. And if I ever really mattered to him I don't think he could have just walked away as if it was nothing. Tonight it will be 9 days since that horrible night. I am going throught the motions but inside I am still dying. Today I wish I have never met him, because my freedom is coming with a brutal price.

When there isn't a song in your heart sing anyway

I haven't written since tuesday and it's saturday. I just didn't feel like putting down the same ole same ole. I have had a good plan to keep myself busy. Wednesday my friend came and picked me up and we just hung out with her daughter. I spent the night with her on wed. Thursday my other girlfriends rallied to get me out for a fun girls night. I ended up crashing with one of them that night too. And friday another friend had called and took me out for an evening that was much what my soul needed. The only blip in the whole few nights was thursday when "his" best girl friend showed up in the bar. She lives in NY and what are the odds that I would have to see her. She is a very nice girl and in other circumstance I would have been so happy to see her. She however did not say hello to me. She waved to my friend so I know she saw me. Then of course the brain starts thinking either she came to town to go hang out with him or she already knows he has moved on to someone else. It's been a week since I have even heard from him Yes that's right ladies and gentleman the man I thought I would spend eternity with dropped me like a bad habit. He just up and moved on. And hasn't looked back. SO I will keep going through the motions. As if my world didn't turn upside down. So I don't have a song in my heart but I am singing anyway.