In visions of the dark night I have dreamed of joy departed- But a waking dream of life and lightHath left me broken-hearted.

The dreams. They have started. I knew somehow they would come and yet I hoped and prayed they would not. The first time I had the dreams I was much younger then I am now. As my first relationship ended they began. He had been my high school love and we stayed together for 6 1/2 years. From 16-22. He was my best friend. He met another girl. Eventually after back and forth between me, and between her that lasted years, he married her, and had two daughters. The dreams started that first month after a break up. I would dream of him, of us fixing this broken thing. I dreamed and I dreamed and I dreamed. For Years. I named them The Cody Dreams. I would have them throughout the years. It was if I was trying to fix what went wrong so many years ago in my dreams. They usually came out when I when I was at a crossroads with a current relationship. They haunted me. I would awake and I would always remember the dream. They say we dream many in a night and can't remember them all. I always remembered. Never had the luxury of forgetting. That love was based on innocence, a puppy love so many years ago. But it was the closest thing I ever had to love until Marcel. I knew the dreams would come. The Marcel Dreams. I think my sleepless nights for the last three weeks have been trying to hold them off. They started last week. We were in his condo in Atlanta talking and in a moment I wanted to hold him, to rush into his arms and kiss him. IN the dream I stopped, I remembered that we were no more and I pulled back. A stabbing feeling in my heart.There have been others. 5 others to be exact. And they haunt me. After my set back last night I was too afraid to sleep. I stayed up until 5 am, playing on the Internet, and reading a book. At 5am I closed my heavy eyes and prayed that there would not be time to slip into a deep dream state. I slept for one hour. I woke up in a sweat. My dreams are like ghosts haunting me. I physically am so tired and just want to lie down for a bit. But I am afraid of what lurks behind that darkness. I do not know how to stop loving, how to stop caring, even when the person no longer deserves your love. I have always Loved my neighbor as myself. I don't know how to make the heart and the head forget.