Sometimes my heart can't find the words

I have been in Florida this week at my old house. I came here to escape the dreaded anniversary that was to never be. I hoped it would remind me of what I once had, many happy memories before he ever came into my life. I thought times with good friends would warm my soul as the Florida sun warms my face. And all of these things did happen. But from the first moment I walked in the door I was faced with many memories of him. I was surprised we had spent few times actually here together in the 5 years I have owned my home. But they were some of the happiest times I have ever had. It was all around. I walked in the backyard to survey the damage of the chinch bugs, and my first thoughts were of our day playing bocce ball in the back yard. One day I swam in my uncles pool and when I went to put the floats up on the shelf in the garage, I saw the box from the webcams I had bought us to skype each other. I hooked up the rockband for my friend's children and remembered the night he and I just sat and played the games. My heart misses him so much. My head knows he has wronged me, broken my trust, and abandoned me in my hour of greatest need. My head knows I dodged a bullet and that I am better off alone then in a life with less then I deserve. But oh please tell that to my heart. My heart which is capable of the biggest love you can imagine has a wealth of forgiveness. And so it dictates my dreams. Dreams of him and life together and in my dreams sometimes my head talks to my heart and reminds it that he has left us. And my heart just breaks again. I wake up and want the last 9 months to be a dream. To go back to when I had a job and lived in Florida and he was in Atlanta and our life was bliss. I want to feel that again, to be loved and to know that if I died that day I would be the happiest person on earth. It's not going to happen. Even in my dreams I know that the life I knew I was over. I mourn for it grieving for the loss of the him, the life, the dreams and even the me I once was. The me that was loved. The me that felt cared for. The me that had found My IT. That's what I told him when I first met him. You are My IT. Everything I have been looking for and everything I never thought I would find. I remember the last morning of St. John a year ago tomorrow actually. I was so sad to be leaving our paradise. I remember trying to put in words what I was feeling for him and what he was already meaning to me. I played him the Rascal Flatts song "God Bless the Broken Road". We cried. It was a hard day to leave him in that airport. A year ago today we were enjoying our last day in St. John. And that night I got dressed up for our dinner. I wanted to straighten my curly hair from the humidity for one night to feel gorgeous and look beautiful for him. I remember the look on his face when he came into the bathroom and saw me. I have never been looked at like that before. I would give everything I own to be in that night again and feel him look at me that way. As if I was perfect and gorgeous and he was completely in love. I miss him. Have I said that yes I am sure I have. My life will go on without him. But I am not sure it will ever be that happy again. I have only had two great loves in my life. Cody and Marcel. I still have dreams of Cody. I loved him for a very long time. I love him now. But in a very different way. I am truly happy he is happy. I am glad he is married and has daughters and is living a happy life. I love him but I am not in love with him. I would do anything I could to help him and I truly believe if I needed him he would be there as a friend. I love Marcel too. But with a love that is greater then I ever knew. I loved him more then the 16 year old girl who loved Cody. I love him with every power of my being. Every fiber of body loves him. Yes we all know he doesn't deserved this love from me but he has it. I gave it. And I am afraid once I gave him my heart I will never get it back again. I love him enough to do the hardest thing I have ever done and that is to give him up. To let him go. For him to find his love and live his life as if I never was in it. But I know I will never be able to close my heart and to forget him. I wish I could. I know I can't. Words can't tell you all how I feel. It's very different from my breakups of past. He was My It. And he made a choice that didn't involve me or consult my opinion. He stopped loving me, if he ever even did. He is happy. I am not. It's so hard to smile the fake smile and keep the cheery outside for the world to see. I don't want people to know how much pain and sorrow is bubbling just at the top ready to overflow. I want to be strong enough to walk away, to be proud of enough to say your loss buddy. But instead I am here without pride, or courage. I just am me. A girl in love with a dream that won't come true. Grieving a life I have always wanted and thought I had found. Missing a best friend and a partner who was once my world. Stepping forward each day in time with only FAITH that one day I will be in a better world, where pain and heartbreak and sorrow are no more. And stepping forward with LOVE of friends and family, But sadly not the Love my heart desires. And praying that one day I will step forward with HOPE and believe again. IF ( notice the very big IF there)that day ever comes I pray for the courage to love again, to trust my heart, to give my love for another and risk all of this. My love life since the age of 16 has been a never ending heartbreak. One loss followed by another. How do you not become jaded to the possibility of love. Ever time I risked my heart again only to have another so carelessly break it. How many times does one keep trying before they give up defeated.