I have had a rough few days. Sunday. It looms like a Godzilla in a movie from Japan. Larger then life. The Anniversary. That. Will. Never. Be.
I spent this week trying to find a job, fighting back tears, and trying to understand how someone that supposedly cared so much about me could just continue to hurt me again and again. He spent this week in France. With Friends. And maybe my replacement. The one he had to make sure his facebook page was Available and accomodating for. I never realized how replacable I truly was in his life.
That might be the hardest thing I have to accept. That someone didn't care about you, doesn't love you, never did. That when your world is upside down, and you struggle to just get through the day they are jet setting throughout Europe and you never once crossed their mind. Not once.
Forgetable where is the Nat King Cole song that sings about that. I heard this old 90's country song on the radio today. It made me smile and it made me sad. It reminded me I love old country music from the late 80's and early 90's. And also that there is indeed a country song out there that will sum up your life.
I wish I could forget him, the way he has forgotten me. I pray every night to not remember. I want to forget. I want to climb in a Time Machine and go back and never go to St. John. I wish I had never met him. Ever. And I just wish something would happen and he would stay in France forever and my life would never ever have to cross his again. I wouldn't have to be afraid of seeing him out in our hometown, and I wouldn't have to turn down jobs in Atlanta because I am afraid the city is indeed not big enough for the two of us.
I was talking to a friend tonight who asked me what she could say right now to make me feel better. I told her nothing. It would make me feel better to think he cared, it would make me feel better to know that he hurt too. It would make me feel like I mattered if he just once thought about me on Sunday and our life together. But in the last three weeks I have learned he doesn't care, will not be hurting and frankly Sunday will probably pass and he will never even know what the day was. And I guess that pretty much sums up life.
I am good at the outside picture. I smile, I am pleasant. I laugh. I live life. It is a shell. Inside I still want to die. I want to lay down and never wake up or a for a big mack truck to come along and put me out of my misery. I used the analogy tonight of a person who has to put down a dog. I feel like the dog waiting for something to put me down, out of emotional and physical pain. I want you to know I do not feel this way because he stopped loving me. That hurts. I can't lie. But life goes on. I could live with that. The night he broke up with me I knew two things, it was over and that he cared about me so much. I truly thought he would always be in my life. I felt like he cared so much, hurt that he was hurting me, and would always be someone I could count on. But the fact that he replaced me so soon, and has shown me time and again that he cut me out of his life and erased me like I never mattered tells me so much more. And that makes you feel like a horrible person. Someone who wasn't worth a thing. Someone to forget to replace to erase.
No comments:
Post a Comment