Your whole heart can fit in a shoebox

I didn't know that but it's true. Today I threw away a shoebox full of memories. Dried roses from valentine's day, notes he left in the house for me, ticket stubs, reminders, and even a birthday card. That card said that he loved me and was thankful I was such an amazing part of his life and that he looked forward to many months to come. I guess the sum total of those months was 4, because not quite 4 months later he was indeed done. I ripped that card into small tiny pieces just like my heart. I packed it all up in the Steve madden shoebox and threw it into the garbage. Much like he threw me. I emailed him last night. I still have stuff at his place to get and I need to tell him something. He hasn't emailed me back. I am thinking I need a change of pace. I am at rock bottom. My self esteem has taken so many beatings this year. When you lose your job you lose your identity. You can no longer provide for yourself. When you move home to parent's your house you feel like a Loser. I had a gorgeous house in Florida, with a great job and nice things. I now live in the room I grew up in. I am so lucky to have my parents who have done so much for me be willing to take me in. A lot of people would not have that support system. With every day it has eaten away at the person I am. My confidence is now at rock bottom. I keep saying I am a special child of god as if it's a mantra to live by. I feel like I am a loser. Someone cue the Beck music. I never thought growing up that is where I would be. I have never wanted anything more then to have a home, a husband and some children. I don't care what I do for work as long as I could provide for them. I have never had a career dream that could ever hold a candle to the one of a life shared with a partner and children. Those of you that have that, even on the most difficult days, are the luckiest people in the world. I struggle to fight my envy every day.