all cried out over you

Well let's be honest even I don't believe that one. I am however on a very long streak of not crying. Many many many hours without a tear. Yeah Me!!! In full open and honest disclosure the real reason is there are just no more tears in there left to come out. I have been sad a lot today as is to be expected, but I just couldn't form a tear. This happened to me one time before in my life. I was in 6th grade and we were burying my grandfather. I cried all that day of his funeral, cried in the foyer of my church, following the casket in to church, and throughout the funeral. At the grave side service there wasn't a drop to fall down my cheek. Not even one single tear. My grandfather had been dying of cancer and many tears had been shed prior to that one day. I just think sometimes the body says enough is enough. I am trying to keep myself occupied. I just keep rereading all the wonderful comments, emails, messages and texts from so many friends. I am soaking up the love. And I started writing to him. Wait. Don't. Freak. Out. It's not a letter, or an email or anything to send. It's just a journal where I am writing to him the things that come each day that I wish I could say to him. I didn't start it until yesterday. In the days before that it was so hard not to be able to share with him so many things that occurred in my life. The kinds of things I wanted to talk to him about. I figured it was better to just write them down, as if I was writing him a letter. I don't think it will last long. I am hoping after a week or so I won't have anything left to say. Sometimes it's just a inside joke thing and others it's some news that may have happened. Like today I got one step closer to this fashion oriented thing I have been working on since last fall. I had about given up and got an email out of the blue. He knew how important this was to me. Keeping my fingers crossed for good news on Friday! And I got a few job leads this week that might pan out to something. The Irony is one of them is in his city. Luckily it's big enough that we would never have to see each other. Another thing that helped was packing away anything that reminded me of him. I mean anything. The comfy he gave me for Christmas, the laptop lap desk for my birthday, etc. There is not a trace of him in the little space that is my room. Here is the silliest thing of all. I can't wear any clothes or wear any shoes that I wore with him. I am sure eventually this will change but for now certain items of clothing remind me of wearing them with him, going to a festival with him, him, him, him. And that has to go, go, go! So I'm wearing some old school clothes. I had some more soup today and even ate some rice and chicken for dinner. The one thing that is saving me is that awful Liquid Alive. It's keeping me full of vitamins and the overdose of Vitamin B is having a calming effect. I must thank my health guru friend for that one! I think tomorrow I am going to tackle some time outside. A walk, a book in the sun, just something with lots of vitamin D. Keep the love coming. Like the Beatles sang "all you need is love, love, love is all you need". I may have lost one love but I have found I am loved by so many more. It's a different love but it's still great food for the soul.

good friends, a cowboy and a whole lotta love

One of my best friends brought me to her house to night for dinner,spend the night and just to get out. I was so scared to come since my last overnight trip here has been with him in my other life. But I'm so glad I did. I enjoyed a glass of wine and a little real food... chicken, pork, broccoli, and rice. I haven't shed a tear since before 6pm. I might have a good cry before I go to bed. Being in the room where I once stayed with him might bring back a few memories. But I am turning a corner and shutting the memories out. I need to move forward and I need to say goodbye. I am pretty sure it's going to be a long goodbye. But that's OK. It's a process and I am on the road to recovery. I may hit a few speed bumps and pot holes along the way but I'm on the road and I am going the distance. One of my friends sent me some great words of wisdom today. He made me want to kick my own butt spending so much time being down. Onward and Upward. Ironically I have spent the evening with my friend in bed once again. We laughed and said we didn't want to shock my system too much in the beginning. SO I traded a bed in one room for a bed in another. But this one came with the love of a friend, her hubby and her precious son, my groundpiggy and my cowboy. And when he came to crawl in bed with both of us he said I love both of y'all, and kissed us both good night. Might only be 4 but that is what I needed. In the eyes of my little cowboy I am still a really cool friend to have and he wants to show me all of his toys, video games, and wii action. That makes a girl feel special. This is just what I needed. I miss my sweet kitty who has been at my vigil beside me. But I was reminded tonight that life will go on. That boys come and go but some friends are really forever. That God really does consider me a pearl and that the best is yet to come. I love all of my amazing friends for reaching out with comforting words and just love love love, BIG LOVE, The only kind there is. I know I might still have some setbacks, a few tears along the way. But I am gonna make it through this. "The best way out is always through" Robert Frost. Yes Indeed. My mother said to me this afternoon " You are so loved by so many people, you have an amazing support system. And that is a testament to you. You are lucky and blessed, not many people have that." Mother always know best. I am so blessed. Keep that love and prayer coming through. I am ready to tackle this heartbreak and kick it's booty! I need to feel that sunshine again, and I will one ray at a time. Every ounce of love I have to give, from the bottom of my heart, is for all of my friends and family. I am so grateful that you love me. In the end to be loved by so many is really all that matters. I know there are already quite a few Band-Aids on my heart right now helping to put it back together.

You gotta play the hand your dealt

"...., Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?"
- Patty Loveless


I guess I needed a sharp does of reality or a swift kick in the butt. Either way count on my daddy who loves me dearly but doesn't always soften his delivery to set me straight. In a day we I wanted to mope around and think of nothing but how I could get my love back, these words brought it to a crashing halt. " XYZ is gone. He's not coming back. You have to move on in a future without him. Life has given you a lot to handle, more then you deserve this year'..."

This lecture went on and brought a ton of tears but I guess it's the same. I have to say goodbye. I need help doing it. I hope you all will help me.

It's my party and I will cry if I want to

Today.Is.Tough. I woke up this morning and I just don't want to feel the pain and hurt anymore. SO I have slipped into this new place called Emptiness. It is non color, non descript and void of anything. It is nothing. There are no feelings here, I am numb. I just don't want to feel. I want to disappear. In a conversation with a friend she brought up the concept of erasing your memories. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. I never saw the movie but am familiar with the plot. The basic concept. A painful breakup causes you to erase the memories of that person. In this moment, knowing that he has gone and will not return I want desperately to erase his memory. Then I wouldn't remember the most amazing time in my life. And that is indeed the rub. The trick is I would feel better instantly. It wouldn't take away the other life struggles I am going through but it would heal my broken heart. The price would be to forget the best relationship and most wonderful time of life. I want more then anything to take away the pain but I'm not willing to forget him. I realize he forgot me. He has gone back to his life, as if I never even was in it. I can't do that. He has left a lasting imprint in my heart. I just want to stay in this place of nothing. In my room where the TV runs 24 hours and where I can shut myself away from everything. The brain is such a tricky organ. I can't escape the reminders of him. A male friend calls and says something that sounds like him and my heart aches, another friend is discussing his physical recovery and mentions a leg extension machine and I think of working out with him, the trip to whole foods reminds me of a recent date with him where we got a sampler of imported beers and cookies for after our dinner, I look at myself in the mirror and see the bare neck that used to contain his gift of a heart necklace.. these little brain tricks are out there everywhere. My friend is going to come and take me to spend the night with her tonight. My last time there it was with him, other friends want me to come out Thursday night to a place I had also been with him, even getting dressed makes me not want to wear clothes and shoes and things I wore with him. Little Reminders everywhere of what I had and what I have lost. Lost. What a strange word to describe it. It is a loss, I am feeling so much loss and yet it's not like I lost something. I didn't misplace him in the couch sofa. I certainly didn't accidentally leave him behind in a hotel. In a way I guess he Lost me. He left me behind in a life he no longer wanted. I feel like one of those Misfit toys in the Christmas movie, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I have been discarded to the land of irregular and broken toys that are no longer wanted. If you haven't seen the movie ( and I can't imagine how this is even possible) it is the island of things that you don't need, don't want,and don't work. Or maybe it's like I am sitting in a Lost and Found box waiting for him to remember where he left me. Well that's the feeling but the reality is it's more like he forgot me in a hotel room. And later realized he didn't need me or will just replace me when he has that need again. This feels lousy. I just wish I new how he outgrew me. What things about me made him change his love. I keep replaying everything in these last 11 months and there were things I did wrong. I am human I make mistakes. I did some things I regret and wish that I could change them. I know I am not perfect ( thank you dear friend who told me today that nobody was) but I feel like I did something that made him change, drove him away some how. Sorry this seems like such a downfall for the strength I was feeling yesterday. I am just having a pity party for me today. I feel so helpless. I don't want to lose him. So I am back in the bed today. I got up this morning and got dressed and ate a bit. But I just can't deal with this overwhelming since of loss today. SO I am seeking refuge in my bed in the room I grew up in that has given me shelter since I was 4.

Just a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down

So despite how much I love my very good friend who told me to get the Liquid Alive and how much better it would make me, that stuff is awful. But seeing as how I am going on one Diet Dr Pepper, 1/2 of a G2 and half of a Rafferty's cheese soup I can't really complain about the nutrients that are keeping me healthy and alive. I would swallow the nastiest thing in the world if it could just make me feel better. Of course I would settle for a magic wand to take all the pain away and maybe a time machine to take me back to when he used to love me. I am feeling the continued love from so many friends and family. I just know that is helping me so much to stand strong. I was thinking about love, that unconditional love, the choice of meeting another persons every need. I know that we had that. I struggle with how we lost it. Or how he lost it. Where did we go wrong? Did my poor choices play into the burden? He helped me find my Happy, and I was loved and I was gushing and I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. He allowed me to be myself and loved me even more for all the dorky and quirky things about me. I just want that back again. I know it's not going to happen. He made his choice and I had little say in the matter. I couldn't convince him to stay. To fight for us. I don't know how you fight for someone that doesn't want you anymore. I know the healthy thing is to close the door and accept that his mind was made up to move on. I know that he isn't coming back. And that just might be a more bitter pill to swallow then the nasty Liquid Alive.

Success is small but it's sweet

The prayers are working. I have the most peroids of non crying this afternoon. I actually even ate half the potato soup my mom brought me from Raffertys. I am going to run to whole foods and get some liquid vitamin B that my friend suggested would make me feel better. I will do anything to feel better. I am still really sad and I still really miss him. But at the end of the day I love him. Love him more then the sun and the moon and the stars. I would be devastated if he has really met someone else. But in loving someone you have to let them go and even though it would hurt like hell I would want him to be happy. All I ever wanted was the best for him. I think these are all good signs. Maybe my self preservation is kicking in and saying get your behind out of bed and brush those teeth! But I will take every step forward as a sign of healthy recovey. I also read an article that said all this crying is very healthy. Yeah me!

One step forward two steps back

I knew better then to do what I am about to confess. I was in the process of moving all of our photos and videos from the last year to a folder that I wouldn't have to see right now. Actually a folder hidden in another blank folder so it wouldn't even have one picture showing. I knew I just couldn't handle seeing all of those wonderful loving, smiling, fun, and kissing pictures in my current state of hurt. There was one video I was unsure of so I clicked on it. I regretted it instantly but like a car wreck I could not turn away. There was video of us taken within our first month full of the honeymoon love. We are happy, kissing, smiling and utterly in love. For the next 30 minutes I let out the most guttural screams and sobs and cries as I lay on the floor of my hallway. I was collapsed in a ball and just completely lost it. It was by far the worst I have felt in the entire three days. I wanted to give up right then and there. I think I screamed out a few times that I just can't do this. I am not this strong. I just want him to come back. So please just give him back and I will change whatever he doesn't love anymore about me. I will be perfect and I will be better but I just want to have one more day with him. Eventually I calmed down a bit and pulled myself up and just continued crying soft streams down my cheeks. I tried to entertain myself with TV but I was stir crazy. I called a friend but she didn't answer. I kept seeing those images of him looking so lovingly at me. I just wanted him to see me that way again. To remember why he fell in love with me and how much spark he had once had. We were both so Happy. My mother came home from church and I confided my relapse to her. The sobs started coming again and in the middle of all of that, one of my friends called me. She is a wise woman who always tells like it is. I listened to her and I did feel better. I came back to check my email and another friend had sent me this link. I am a not a huge Joel Olsteen fan. I am more of a Billy Graham girl myself. But I listened to this in Itunes and it really helped. It made me realize that God has sent all of you to me. To remind me that I am loved. You are all my Simon coming to Jesus to help him carry the cross. That I am going to come out of this and I will be stronger and even better. It's going to take time. I miss him more today then yesterday. I just can't believe that it's over and that he is no longer in my life. That he could just say goodbye and then go about his life as if I was never even it. So yes I am taking one step forward and then two steps back and then maybe one step forward again. But slowly I am putting one foot in front of the other and taking each day minute by minute. And in life that's all we can really do. One second, one minute, one hour and one day at a time.

Here is the link: #466

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/466-god-can-speak-to-us-even/id137254859?i=84245033

the soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears

I managed to sleep for a few hours but when I woke up I was hoping that my reality had been a nightmare. It wasn't. I wanted to go to church with my parents. I love to hear Cam's sermons. But I knew that I might start crying the minute I walked in the door. I could just feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. So I asked them to leave me here and alone for a bit. But really it was so I could just cry and cry those kind of sobbing moments that you just don't want another person to see or hear. I can see what a beautiful and gorgeous day is right outside. The sun is shining and a cardinal is looking for food. For a moment I thought maybe I will step outside and feel the warmth and then I remembered that we were supposed to go on the boat today in my other life. And I got sad all over again. But I want you to know my friends and family are who are getting me through this horrible time. The amazing prayers that many of you have prayed with me, the love pouring through on facebook, the texts, the calls and the recruitment of others to add me in their prayers has been wonderful. I know god is working through all of you to remind me that I am loved. I am a special child of god and I am strong enough to get through this. I can only imagine what going through this would be like without the love and support of some of the most amazing people I have had the pleasure to know. Thank you all so much for allowing me to lean on you. The title of this post came from a quote I saw today. It's a Native American saying. I have had so many tears flowing and and I like to think they are just paving the way for the Rainbow in my soul.

33 hours and I'm Still Breathing

On a park bench just 33 hours ago in the city that I love my life was changed forever. The life that I had been dreaming of and my fairy tale story of love came to an end. A finality that I had neither a say in nor a desire for and yet it still ended. The man that I love more then anything in this world simply did not love me. I met my Prince on a tropical island almost one year ago. He came out of nowhere and captured my heart. He was My It. Everything I had been looking for and everything I didn't know I could want. I fell fast and I fell hard. I remember being with him on that last day in the airport as he flew out to his city. Clinging to this man I had known for just one week but felt like a lifetime. I stood and cried in the airport as he flew away. My heart was aching. I had never known a love like that before. It was My Happy. In the 11 months that followed we would face many life changes and ups and downs. Through it all I grew more deeply in love with him each day. More then the sun. More then the moon. More then the stars. He was the first person I could truly be myself with and loving him made me a better person. I began to dream of the lifetime of memories we would create together. I knew he was the person I wanted to spend my life with. Somewhere along the way he lost his spark for me, and no longer loved me as I still love him. In my lifetime this of course is not my first rodeo. Starting with puppy love at 16 I have lost count of the heartbreaks as relationships ended. This ending is as different as the love that is lost. I still love him with every fiber of my being. In life truly loving someone means letting them go. I am mourning the life I had, and the one I had dreamed of. He will go on to find his true happy with another. That is such a double edged sword. I want nothing more then his happiness in life but am beyond hurt that it can't be me. I was reduced in that park to begging for him to give me just one more chance. A chance to fight for our love and work on that lost spark. He was still the man that gave me butterflies and whose laughter and smile were the light of my life.

The past 33 hours have been such a blur. I haven't slept, or eaten and have cried so much that it must be a world record. I can't escape thoughts of him in my mind, my heart and waiting in my dreams. I try to numb the feelings with TV shows that don't require thinking. They offer a distraction. I have reached out to friends and asked for prayers. I am struggling with each moment just to keep it together. I think breathe. OK Good. Now breathe again. Excellent. I have reached out to friends and family for prayer and love and support. Their love and compassion for me is mind blowing. It's hard to imagine so many people in this world could love you and care about what happens to you. From this dark hole I am in, it is like a beacon of light. I am crawling to it slowly one inch at a time. I know it will be their love and strength to pick me up and get me there. I am beyond blessed to have them in my life.

I am struggling with feeling Unlovable. You see I have spent 20 years dating and trying to find that one person that would love me. Period. Just love me, choose me, want to spend a life with me. I have yet to find it. I have never known what it felt like to be loved that way. I have given that love before but I have never received it. I thought I had found it this time. I am such a fool. Obviously in the hindsight that is 20/20 he did not have that love for me if he could just walk away. I would trade anything I have to find that special person to share a life with and start a family. Having been single a large part of my dating life I know just how lonely it can be.

I decided after 27 hours of no sleep to start this blog. A way for me to talk about my feelings and help myself heal. Band-Aids on my heart. I am sharing it with others. I know everyone has had their share of heartbreak. Others may be sharing this road with me. Maybe we can all help each other.

Right now I am in grief. I am letting the tears flow out of my aching heart. I lost my boyfriend and my best friend. But I can say one thing. I am still breathing. It might take a truckload of Band-Aids to put my heart back together, but it hasn't killed me yet. That's a small victory for today.